We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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