Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
