If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
