That's when you crack a 10am beer
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
