I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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