It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
