woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
