Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
