the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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