I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
this hospital has no fireball
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
