i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
