chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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