I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
