i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
