Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
