Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
