a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I will die if light touches me.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Randomize
