Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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