i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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