why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Randomize
