Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
