You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
