You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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