Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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