I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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