you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
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