I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
