I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
