OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
