I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
