If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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