He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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