Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
He felt like a one man threesome
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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