Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
