I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
