I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
