Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
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