So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
