Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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