Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
