For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
