Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
