"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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