I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
