Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
