You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
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