God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
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Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
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She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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