you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
false alarm. still invincible.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Pińatas plus fireworks don't mix well
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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