Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
