When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Randomize
