This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Randomize
