At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
