I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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