She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
