Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
