I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
