i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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