dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
